Christ, the Passion!
Before William Wallace's snuff film for Christians was released, there was a news story making the rounds that two members of the cast & crew had been struck by lightning during shooting -- one of them Jim Cavieziel, who no doubt took the name of his character's father in vain as he spoke in burnt tongues. It seems the Lord's sights were pulling to the left: Mel Gibson was behind the camera, not in front of it. Perhaps if God got producer's credit instead of just for screenwriting, this never would've happened. If your lead being christened King of the Juice by Our Father Who Art In Heaven with a 1.2 gigawatt crown of thorns isn't a sign to stop production, what the hell is? No one ever incurred wrath of that magnitude on the set of Kevin Smith's Dogma... then again, maybe He doesn't do indie movies.

Certainly, The Lord Of All Creation washed His hands of the Canadian B-movie Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. See, a mad scientist is helping nosferatu skin lesbians (apparently vampires are extremist conservatives), then grafting their sun-proof pelts to themselves, turning the nightstalkers into daywalkers. Who ya gonna call? Jesus H. Christ, who is not only back on Earth, but doing baptisms at one of the Great Lakes. Just when the Son of God thought he was out, they pull him back in. Seeking out the source of the Silence of the Lesbians, J.C. enlists the help of Mary Magnum; a foxy secret agent nun for the Pope, and a morbidly obese Mexican wrestler to serve the bloodsuckers their last supper of a stake through the heart.

Right Cross

Matthew 3:16 says I just kicked your ass.

Further synopsizing the film would look like a game of Mad Libs played with the book of Revalations. To drive the point home through the palm of a hand and into the wood of the cross behind it, this movie is AWFUL. It doesn't even allow for the ludicrous visual of Jesus horning in on Blade & Buffy's turf: 5 minutes after his appearance, the Lamb of God gets his wool shorn and his ears pierced, making Him look like the Lord turned a Queer Eye towards His only begotten Son. The production values are as low-budget & poorly recorded as the acting is over the top -- if the Rob Zombie lookalike narrator chewed the scenery any more there'd be even bigger holes in the plot. And Santos the Mexican wrestler is about as hispanic as Dan Akroyd wearing a luchadore mask.

Especially hilarious is the director mentioning that neither of the main actresses were available for the commentary track, as both had moved to the States nearly immediately after filming. A role in a movie so awful that it would cause the actress to flee the country? Ha! The U.S. still can't get rid of Angelina Jolie and Halle Berry, and they make at least two apiece every year. A worse crucifying of Christ has yet to be committed to film, though it's nice to see that like Elvis & Tupac, he's keeping himself busy.

Losing My Religion

Jesus Tapdancing Christ On Crutches! ... No, really!

Then again, how can a movie with the theme song "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight" be taken seriously? The movie does get off a number of lunatic riffs at its own expense with God talking to His Son through a ice cream sundae sock puppet, the King of Kings' myriad poor fashion choices after changing out of his robes -- Jesus wears Adidas? -- and the final showdown as J.C. takes on multiple opponents in two locations. His explanation? "I'm everywhere." It begs the question: where were Jesus' mad kung fu skillz during his final hours? According to Mel's version, Persephone was there, so that should make him the One.

Still by far the best scene (relatively speaking) is Jesus' battle with a vicious gang of atheists. What makes this part of the movie isn't the atheist leaders using the Spanish pronunciation of His name, nor the 20+ people that pile out of a Jeep during the fight to surround Him; not even the 3-Stooges slap SFX when He dispatches them. It's the small fact that the atheists were driving around and recognized Jesus on sight. A group of people not only thought that He was the son of a deity that their theology specifically doesn't believe in; but made a gang to beat Him up. It's like forming a posse to hunt the Easter Bunny.

Be Not Afraid

Rob Zombie should never teach Sunday School.

Overall, the basic concept of these type of movies is to get away with as much as you can - to take the ball and run with it, not wander around and fumble. Too many wasted opportunities make Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter much, much worse than it could've been. Yet for cinemasochists who're looking for something bloody awful on purpose, the only way this movie could be any more for you is if you'd made it yourself. I'd like to think you'd have better taste than this, though. And in closing, a word of advice: watch the skies.

I'm just sayin'...